we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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