I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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