So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
