I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
