Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
