I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
