In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
