Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
