my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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