At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
