Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
