capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
