Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is my gift to your gina
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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