She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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