Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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