I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
