I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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