i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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