if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
