standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
