Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
