it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
