my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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