I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
