I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
