fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
