all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
