I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
