I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
