Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
