Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
