Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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