Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
