Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i came on her dog
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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