Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
