I cockslap morals
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
