Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
