Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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