I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
