I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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