This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
