When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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