We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
