I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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