dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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