then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
