apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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