it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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