let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
