I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
